Cooking Disastor
by Cathelien
Summary: The exorcists have to help out in the kitchen because everybody had food poisoning. And one tiny mistake can bring the Apocolypse


**I thought of this after reading another fic. It involves icing. Lots of icing…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Okay then, let's get on with it. Basically this is just a simple oneshot about cakes and other people. I only wrote this shit because I have a very severe writer's block which stops me from writing new chapters…and because the thought just won't go away…Excuse my sick and twisted mind…**

**I could own Deep Grey-Man but never D.Gray-Man**

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The kitchen crew was sick. Everyone except Jeryy, that is. He was alive and kicking as always but his crew was suffering from food poisoning. Apparently, the bread in the kitchen had gone bad so when they had their breakfast, they ended up sick. Jeryy had an iron-cast stomach so he didn't feel a thing. But now he was in desperate need of some help.

It just so happened that there was only four free exorcists at the Order at the time. And Komui gave them orders to help out in the kitchen. He hired red, white, green and black to do the job. They stood in the kitchen waiting for Jeryy. He was running late today. The black inwardly cursed. He should be meditating right about now but no. Komui just had to give him this order.

"Che, why am I here?" Kanda asked himself.

"Because…uh…well…I don't know Yuu. Why are you here?" Lavi asked him.

Kanda was three seconds away from pulling his katana out and chopping Lavi in half when Jeryy bust in.

"Okay my darling exorcists! Let's begin…The breakfast rush is almost here so get to your stations," he practically sang.

Jeryy put Allen to the ingredients table where he couldn't eat any of the raw things. It made him sulk and wish to be near the stove when the food was being prepared. Linali was on dish duty. She had to wash and dry the dishes that came in. Lavi got one of the best jobs, cooking. He helped Jeryy cook the heavy stuff like almost everything. Kanda got the worst job he could imaginably, by all the psychedelic forces of nature could ever possibly get without making the world come to a spiralling end. He had to make pastries.

He wished that by all the psychic forces of the universe that he could do something else. Making pastries just was not his forte and everyone teased him about it. Lavi occasionally shouted across the room,

"Hey Yuu, making sweet things are you? I see you sneaking a bite over there, stop eating the pastry."

Kanda did not eat these types of things. And he definitely did not want to make them. He wanted to just take that spatula and shove up Lavi- sorry…Kanda wanted to make him scream in pain if it would just shut him up. Maybe cutting him in half would do the trick. Allen was having a hard time during the first fifteen minutes. He couldn't resist thinking about that special someone or something. Every time he tried to get it off his mind he couldn't. It just wouldn't leave him alone.

It insisted on bothering him and kept pushing at the walls of his mind. How could he not think about it? After all, it was right in front of him. Its delicate features, the way it just stood there like a very hot, steamy stone wall. It tempted him to jump it right then and there. He wanted it. He craved it. For goodness sake, the food was right in front of him. It was being prepared before his eyes. If he jumped it and began to eat, Jeryy would be disappointed. And not to mention that Lavi would kill him for doing that.

He had spent too much time preparing the food and trying not to burn his scarf or make it catch afire in the process. Lavi was holding up. He found that he had a small talent for cooking and Jeryy improved it. He was becoming a speed chef by the minute and was dishing out more food than could be shared out. He couldn't resist taunting Kanda at times because of the pastry thing. It was all too fun not to. But he could see the murder in his eyes that meant that he should run when this was all over.

Linali had the easiest job of them all. All she had to do was wash dishes and various eating utensils. It was a piece of cake. But she was eyeing down her own eye candy. It was tall and dark, yet mysterious. It had an allure to it that just said, 'COME AND GET ME IF YOU DARE' and looked all too dreamy. Yes, she couldn't help it. It was too good-looking not to look away. It was too tempting. She wanted to take it and immerse herself in its sweet passionate pleasure. Oh yes, the tall, handsome thing stood alone. How it tortured her.

She wanted that huge chocolate bar in the corner next to the fridge badly. She didn't care that she would be looked at weirdly if she ate the whole thing by herself but she would if she had the chance. She would take it to her room and gorge on its sweet taste until there was no more. Then she would take a nice warm bath and go straight to bed. She was contemplating how to get it to her room secretly while washing the dishes.

Kanda stood wordlessly reading a recipe book on pastries. It was no use trying to resist the job. It was pointless and he really didn't give a damn about it. He had all the ingredients there. He was about to pick up the flour when he heard a crash.

"Stay away from the food Allen," Lavi hissed.

He was holding a frying pan in is hand while Allen was rubbing his head. But Lavi was watching his own piece of heaven. It stood in a corner, looking all too mysterious for its own good. It was its fault that Lavi watched it. It was perfect in every way. But he could not show how smitten he was with people around. It was beautiful and pure and cute. He wanted to take it in his hands and eat in its sweetness. Tall and light and it tortured his very soul. He was never one for the dark or the normal. He always liked the light. And that bar of white chocolate was his favourite.

He wondered if Jeryy would notice if he took it. He eyed it conspicuously and watched it in his free time. These three were hopelessly in love with their respective food items while only one remained sane. Kanda worked on his pastries very slowly. He had no idea how to make them. All he did was follow the instructions in the book and be bored. He was never more bored in his life.

"Hey Yuu! What're you making?" Lavi asked.

"It's none of your business you asshole. Now stop calling me by my first name!" Kanda snapped back.

"Hey Lavi," Allen whispered loudly, "Kanda's sure acting real moody today…He looks like he's having some severe mood swings over there…almost like a woman."

This was meant as a joke and Lavi saw that but Kanda did not. And everyone in the kitchen heard that. Linali raised an eyebrow but that was about it. Jeryy didn't notice a thing.

"Hey Allen. Do ya think," Lavi replied, "it's that time of the month again? I mean, ya never know. For all we know he could be a girl."

The two boys snickered while Linali looked at them questioningly before going back to work. She knew never to involve herself in this kind of thing. It always resulted in somebody getting beaten to a pulp. Kanda was becoming annoyed while icing the cake with deep purple icing. This was definitely not his forte but he was doing surprisingly well. The clocked chimed twelve at that exact moment and he tried to ignore them.

"You mean Kanda's a girl?" Allen asked.

"Maybe, ya never know. Bandages work wonders…and it'll explain why he's such an emotional wreck at times. Ya know with all the mood swings…"

That was the last straw. He could take the antagonizing until a certain point. But when they questioned his gender, it was going too far. He put the utensil in the bowl of icing and drew Mugen.

"THAT IS IT!" he raised his voice.

Kanda came at them only to be stopped by Jeryy.

"I will not tolerate any fighting or antagonizing in my kitchen. Go back to work…oh my…beautiful cakes and pastries…" Jeryy went over to the pastry section and picked an éclair up.

He pooped it in his mouth and was sent into a food ecstasy. When the lunch rush was over, they sat in the centre of the kitchen. All except Kanda who was still icing that purple cake. This time with light blue icing. They looked longingly at the pastries but a savage beast such as Kanda won't let them near the things. They were talking amongst themselves when Linali gasped. Lavi and Allen followed her gaze and froze in their spots.

Kanda stood frozen with a glob of light blue icing over three of his fingers. He looked at it and they looked at his every movement. They wanted to see what he would do and pretended to go back to talking. Kanda, aware that they weren't taking him on looked at the icing curiously.

"I sense a disturbance in the force," Lavi whispered halfway glancing at the table.

They all looked nervous as he brought his hand closer to his mouth. Then he licked the icing off his fingers. Linali fainted from the shock and Allen was frozen in place. Lavi on the other hand was fully conscious.

"OH DEAR GOD…YUU ACTUALLY ATE SOMETHING SWEET! IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE!" he shouted.

Kanda looked at him with murder in his eyes which was met with fear in Lavi's eye. He finished the cake and took the icing bowls. He threw them on the three on the floor and took a pie and shoved it in Lavi's already icing covered face.

"I am not doing this fucking job again," he said leaving the kitchen.

He left four bewildered people in there and smirked. He walked to his room, thinking of the icing. He was think about how weird it tasted but also about how good it was. Wait, he thought that?! Kanda told himself that he needed to sort that infidel thought out of his head...

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**Okay...how was this oneshot? Tell me in a review!**


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